Four years ago, my faith was tested and tried; my son passed away. These past years have been somewhat difficult for me as a mother. When I became a parent, I knew that difficulties would come, but I was not expecting a death of a child. Dealing with a loss of a child, had really put a wedge between my faith in God. I wondered what, why and how can God take such a precious child, especially mine. I was playing a game of unbelief, doubt and fear.
My anxiety grew like weeds in the garden. I was at a loss for words and at a loss for prayer. I immediately went into spiritual hibernation. I did not want to be bothered nor did I want to talk about it. I did not want to hear soothing words; I just wanted to soak in my tears. I somewhat gave up on my faith, but my faith did not give up on me. This I believe.
I was ineffective and especially with my family. They felt my pain and had to deal with my isolation and my anger towards everything positive. My life was not sweet; it was tasteless. I believe that by faith, God had a plan for my son, but was it death? I was betwixt and between faith and fear. I was fearful of going outside and worried for my other children. I couldn’t breathe unless I knew my children were right in front of me and then I still was not sure that they were safe and secure. I knew I had to get through this, my faith was knocking at my door, I finally answered and faith led me back to God.
I began to petition for the answer to why it happened.
Months went by and I remember this woman ministered to me and said, release your son back to God as a seed and do not ask why anymore. I thought it was the Christian thing to do, to ask God anything. If God is a God of all things, then He should know the answer. Nevertheless, I submitted with the request and I let go and let God. As I began to release my son back to God, my pain turned into peace. I won my life back and my faith was undefeated.
My faith had superseded my doubts and defeated my fears. I am now enjoying God and my family. I am aiming to soar high beyond my capabilities, not to using my loss as a defeat but a victory. In the end, I win because I believe my faith was undefeated. Praise God!